Giving Up Control

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I’ve still been seeing my therapist every two weeks or so for the past year. Earlier this week, I had my regular session and it was one of those moments that made me go, “hmm.”

Let me step back for a second.

My brother, John, has been staying with Brett and I for almost a month. He recently won his disability claim after nearly four years of waiting and appeals, and living in a several different homeless shelters in Wisconsin. It’s been a stressful and emotional time for him so his therapist recommended that he come out to visit us for a month or two so he can figure out what he wants to do with his life. He recently said to us as we were sitting on the back porch, “This is the first time I’ve felt safe in a long time.”

We moved to Massachusetts from Wisconsin almost seven years ago now. This is the first time he’s been able to see where we live. It’s nice having him here and to catch up with him again, but it’s been anxiety-ridden for me and a definite shift in our regular routine.

Particularly, it’s bringing to light a lot of “hidden” anxieties that I have. I’ve always felt safe with my older brother. We would go on amazing road trips every summer to Disney World from the time I was in sixth grade through my junior year of high school.¬† But, after my adopted mom passed away when I was a sophomore in college, life changed drastically for both of us.

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Review: Return to Zero

Streaming right now on Netflix is the Minnie Driver-led “Return to Zero.” The 2014 film is a brutal, honest and emotional look at one couple’s (Maggie and Aaron) experience after the stillbirth of their son, Arthur. It’s an independent, low-budget movie that also stars Paul Adelstein, Alfred Molina and Kathy Baker.

Watch the trailer here:

I’ve been wanting to watch this for a while after hearing about it in some of the “angel mommy” discussion boards. But, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it as I knew it would be emotionally draining. I didn’t feel comfortable watching it with Brett at home so I finished it last Friday since it was cool, gloomy and rainy on a “summer” day. It took 17 Kleenex to get me through. (That’s on-par with “The Notebook” for me for those wondering.)

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Career Goals

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Brett and I were talking last night about career aspirations. I’ve been struggling with working from home the last year. I work for a virtual company (which I honestly love my colleagues) but I just don’t see them frequently. We generally only talk on conference calls or virtual meetings. If we do see each other, it’s once, maybe twice a year. Many of my clients are scattered all around the country so I also don’t have a lot of face-to-face contact with them. I do have a few clients in the Boston area but it’s a pretty well-oiled machine that I don’t have to drop-in very often, except for maybe some trainings here and there.

I try to work a couple of times a month from Starbucks or somewhere remotely just to have some sort of interpersonal communications with others. (If you see me, I’m that annoying person who’ll comment on the book you’re reading or ask you about the pretty colored beverage you ordered, just so I can strike up a conversation.) Because of this, I have been searching for new opportunities where I can work outside of the house because¬†I can become so isolated and hermit-like just staying at home. There are times where I’ve gone 2 weeks without leaving the house.

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Happy Birthday, Emmett

Happy birthday my sweet baby boy.

I can’t believe it’s been 365 days since I held you. My heart has never loved another thing so greatly until it met you. I think of you each and every day. I still wish for all of the moments that were taken away from you, me and daddy.

I miss you with all of my being but I know you’re in a better place where you aren’t in any pain and nothing can hurt you. But, oh, how I wish I could’ve protected you from that.

Birthday Quote - Emmett

There’s a whole world of family and friends that love you and who never were able to meet you. I hope you look down on them sometimes and see just how loved you are even though you’re so far away.

Your tree is starting to bloom. There are tiny little buds on it ready to blossom in the warm summer breezes ahead. Your Nana sent a cute little solar figurine of a little boy with a turtle that’s sitting under it now. Your Uncle Bumppo sent flower bulbs that me and Daddy will plant this weekend. Your fur brother Dakota sends the biggest cuddles and wet kisses.

Daddy bought a cupcake for your first birthday in heaven. We’ll blow your candle out tonight together and snuggle listening to Disney music for our little Mouseketeer. I hope we can see you in our dreams where I imagine you’re bouncing around and giggly, loving all that life has in store for you.

We love you Emmett. Always.

 

Special Shopping Opportunity

I’m happy to announce our first special fundraising opportunity to support our walk team at the 2nd annual Rock & Walk to benefit the Massachusetts Chapter of The TEARS Foundation!

Now through March 31, 2017, shop with the Pampered Chef link below and 15% of purchases will go toward our team’s fundraising! There are some great new items to choose from, just in time for spring and summer entertaining.

I looooove my PC items and certainly will be doing my “retail therapy” to help a great cause. I hope you will, too! Please share with family and friends who may like to do some shopping as well.

Start shopping at https://pamperedchef.com/go/IMHEgV

A special thanks to consultant and good friend Rhonda Dick for hosting the online party in honor of Emmett.

PC - Online Party flyer

Happy Birthday

 

Today’s my birthday. 36. It’s kinda bittersweet for me.

Last year on this day, I received the best gift ever:

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A positive pregnancy test.

I spent the morning last year at Pure Barre with one of my girlfriends. Then, Brett and I just relaxed for the remainder of the day with our happy news together. I was totally content and at peace with the world. Dreaming about the future with my little family.

Flash-forward to a year later and, last night, I found myself sobbing in bed on top of the dog. Just thinking about how this year’s birthday was supposed to be different. How I’m supposed to still have my perfect birthday present here with me. How I could wake up and creep into the nursery for some early morning cuddles with my little peanut.

Instead, the cruelty of life and reality sets in. I spent most of this past weekend in bed, sick with the flu, a temperature over 100 degrees, chills, cough and body aches. I had to miss a huge fundraiser for The TEARS Foundation that I was so looking forward to.

I’ve decided to take a little mental health break today and just be nice to myself. We had a lot of snow and ice last night. Schools are closed in the area. I’ve been awake since about 6 a.m. when Brett whispered “Happy Birthday” in my ear before heading into the shower. I can’t wait for him to get home.

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