Big Bang Theory Star Candidly Discusses Miscarriage

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Melissa Rauch, who plays Bernadette on CBS’s “The Big Bang Theory, announced her pregnancy in a story for Glamour magazine that’s going viral this week. In the piece, she also reveals candid reflections about her own miscarriage and all of the grief emotions that have been taking place and the anxiety during her current pregnancy.

I’m so proud of her honesty and openness about such a sensitive subject because it’s something that needs to be discussed. In today’s society where everyone seems to idolize people on the TV and movie screens, sometimes it takes a celebrity’s story for the hard issues to come into the forefront and start a meaningful dialogue.

I hope more people out there read her story and understand how commonplace miscarriage and pregnancy loss is, even in the United States with all of our modern technology and breakthroughs of Western medicine. No one is immune to the heartache and pain. Miscarriage doesn’t discriminate and it can happen to anyone — your sister, your cousin, your college roommate, your idol from TV.

Congratulations Melissa (and husband Winston) on your pregnancy. I wish you all the best. But, Melissa, you’re already a mommy. Don’t sell yourself short. You became a mommy once you became pregnant, and no one can take that title away from you.

P.S. I sincerely feel really awful about tweeting my letter for TBBT production team to you months and months ago in my own grief. I still fall prey to the illusions that even in Hollywood miscarriage can’t happen.

The “Unwanted” Me

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I mentioned previously how much we love the new NBC show “This is Us.” It returns tonight from its winter hiatus and cliff-hanger. (Toby!!!) The show hits on some very real subjects such as pregnancy loss, adoption, truth in relationships, obesity, blended families and more. My Mom and I love it. I sincerely hope the writers can keep it honest and true for the rest of the season and years to come.

During one of the last episodes before the break, Randall, one of the three kids, was getting high on ‘shrooms (accidentally) and was exploring the truths and lies about his life as an adopted son, searching for his biological father and fighting through his abandonment issues. It rang so true to me as someone who is adopted but also as someone who has struggled to know their true place in the world, in their family.

This is what Randall said to a hallucinatory vision of his deceased father:

“I was a replacement for your dead baby, that’s all I’ve ever been,” Randall said to the vision of Jack, his father. “I spent my life striving for perfection. You know why, Dad? Because I live in fear that if I let up for a moment, I will remember that I am unwanted. And then what’ll happen to me?”

I remember feeling that exact same way as Randall for most of my life, thinking those same thoughts. Deep in my heart and my rational mind, I know I have always been loved by my biological mother, Liza, as well as my adoptive family. However, there’s always that little piece of me that felt unwanted. I know now after talking with her that she wanted me to have a better life than she thought she could provide as a young college-aged woman. My adopted parents tried their hardest to give me everything I wanted, and even when they couldn’t, my brother John would say “yes.” I know I am loved, I have no doubt of that. I don’t want it to sound like I’m ungrateful. I have had a wonderful life and I had a safe, fun childhood. Yet, there was something missing and I could never put my finger on it so I strived to do my best in school, work and every aspect of my life to impress my family at every chance, like I was winning some sort of prize for their love and affection.

As I’m older now and have had more time to reflect, I think that gaping hole of rejection and loss has to do with my biological father.

Continue reading “The “Unwanted” Me”

The Doctor and the Adipose

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Back in 2013 I started to binge watch BBC’s sci-fi hit “Doctor Who”. Brett and I instantly fell in love with the idea of a time-traveler in a blue police box on a mission to save the world from alien races.

At the time, the current doctor was Matt Smith and his companion, Clara, was played by Jenna Coleman. However, our favorite iteration was played by David Tennant, most recently the cringe-worthy baddie in Marvel’s “Jessica Jones” on Netflix.

When it was time for us to get a new car when the lease for our Prius was up, we planned on getting a Rav4 in the hopes of one day expanding our family. Even though Emmett is no longer with us, we still decided to up-size into the larger car, which meant I needed to replace my “I Am Sherlocked” bumper sticker on the new wheels.

122816_stickersI had found a store on Etsy that made fun decals. As much as I wanted one of those stick figure families on the car, I also wanted to show our family’s geekiness to have our car stand out (it honestly helps me pick out our car in crowded parking lots)

We decided to get the David Tennant Tenth Doctor for Brett, Clara Oswald for me, K-9 for Dakota and a little adipose to represent Emmett.

If you’re familiar with Doctor Who and the episode called “Partners in Crime” that reunites the Doctor and companion Donna Noble (Catherine Tate), they encounter the adipose, chubby little white aliens that are made of human body fat. Sounds weird, I know, but they’re totally adorable and you can’t help but fall in love with them. At the end of the episode, the tiny adipose float back to their mother-ship and off into the heavens.

It was the perfect little sticker to represent our angel baby. It’s also why he’s floating up towards the skies away from the rest of the family on the back of the car.

Since we’ve added the stickers on the car, we’ve noticed on several occasions random people standing and staring. Sometimes, I don’t think they know we’re even in the car listening to them try to figure out what it all means. It’s kinda funny to know that our car is a conversation point among people.

Everytime I see our car and the little stickers, it makes me smile. I think of little Emmett waving down on us from the heavens. I know he would’ve loved Doctor Who just as much as his mommy and daddy do, and would’ve wanted to run away in a TARDIS. He totally would’ve been napping with us as we watched the latest Christmas episode this past weekend with the return of Doctor Mysterio to see if the Doctor successfully saves Manhattan.

So, if you ever happen to see us tooling around town, you’ll know the story behind our stick-figure family and that it means slightly more than the average Whovian fan.

What’s a Grief Burst?

I was searching the house yesterday for a frame for another photo when I came across this picture below:

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I found myself on the floor, crying uncontrollably. Why would a cute picture of Winnie the Pooh, Kanga and Roo have me so emotional?

This was a picture my in-laws gave to us for Emmett’s nursery. The Pooh Bear themed nursery that we never completed. I had completely forgotten they had given this to us and it just brought all of these emotions to the surface. My legs were weak and my eyes fuzzy.

We were supposed to paint the walls a light green. We were going to get decals of the Hundred Acre Wood gang to go near the crib. A fun-themed growth chart that looked like Pooh’s tree to watch our baby grow through the years. We already had a heffalump toy for baby to play with.

It just became to much to handle and the tears started to flow. I’ve learned to just let them happen. The chaotic breathing. The wet sleeves and drippy nose. The swollen eyes and fogged up glasses.

I never heard the term “grief burst” until I attended a support group meeting for parents going through loss. So, what is it?

What I experienced is a grief burst. A sudden wave of emotions and grief that can hit at any time. Some of my bursts are caused by triggers I know and can avoid…like no shopping at Buy Buy Baby or Babies ‘R Us for awhile. Avoiding sappy diaper and Hallmark commercials. Most Pixar movies, including “Up”, are off the table for the foreseeable future.

Continue reading “What’s a Grief Burst?”

A Letter for “The Big Bang Theory” on CBS

Dear “The Big Bang Theory” team and CBS,

I am a huge fan of your show. My husband and I have been devoted fans since 2007. You had us hooked from “The Middle Earth Paradigm” (episode six, season one) when Leonard (Johnny Galecki), dressed as Frodo Baggins from “The Lord of the Rings,” exclaimed to Penny’s (Kaley Cuoco) ex-boyfriend, “That’s how we roll in the Shire!”

My husband (and at that time still boyfriend in 2005) lured me into his Shelob-esque web by a marathon first date of watching all of the extended versions of Peter Jackson’s LOTR trilogy…in one weekend. Twelve years later, we are now happily married but I won the war of “Sting” (Frodo’s sword) no longer resting above our bed.

Needless to say, we’re a nerd family and we love the show and how you’ve made embracing one’s geekness cool. I’m a Whovian, Trekker (one of the original “The Wesley Crushers”), and pseudo-Disney princess. While Brett still man-crushes on all things Peter Jackson, and is a guest team member of Marvel’s The Avengers, and wishes he could take over the Iron Throne.

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We have pint glasses that proclaim “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty” and “Bazinga”. T-shirts that pronounce that our “mothers had us tested” (she really did) or emblazoned with the rules to Rock, Scissors, Paper, Lizard, Spock.  We obsessively quote the show on a regular basis, much to our family member’s chagrin.

I’m writing this letter today because it has become increasingly more difficult for me this season to watch the show. Why? Not because the jokes aren’t funny, Sheldon’s (Jim Parsons) craziness is just getting absurd, or the plots have just “jumped the shark”.

It pains me to tune in each week because I found out I was going to be a mother about two weeks before Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) revealed that she was pregnant in “The Valentino Submergence,” (episode 15, season 9), which aired on Feb. 11, 2016. At the time, I was ecstatic. My husband and I would be pregnant just like Howard (Simon Helberg) and Bernie would be. We could experience and laugh at the same scenarios just like our fictitious counterparts who also would become first-time parents. It was going to be great.

Then, April 26, 2016 happened.

Continue reading “A Letter for “The Big Bang Theory” on CBS”