This weekend is Mother’s Day.
Last year, I was still numb and in too much physical and emotional pain to even care. It didn’t occur to me that friends from afar were sending me messages on that first holiday for me as a mother. I had nothing to celebrate because I didn’t think I was a mother. My baby was no longer with me. I still have difficulty believing that I’m a mother some days. But, I am.
There are a lot of us “hidden” mothers out there. We don’t have living children alongside us. We don’t get the cheerful, handmade cards. We don’t get breakfast in bed with extra snuggles.
We watch from the sidelines all of the joy upon other moms faces as they get to embrace their little ones during brunch. We stifle back the tears so you don’t see the hurt on our face. We’re the mothers that are so often forgotten.
Continue reading “A Different Kind of Mother’s Day”
Happy birthday my sweet baby boy.
I can’t believe it’s been 365 days since I held you. My heart has never loved another thing so greatly until it met you. I think of you each and every day. I still wish for all of the moments that were taken away from you, me and daddy.
I miss you with all of my being but I know you’re in a better place where you aren’t in any pain and nothing can hurt you. But, oh, how I wish I could’ve protected you from that.
There’s a whole world of family and friends that love you and who never were able to meet you. I hope you look down on them sometimes and see just how loved you are even though you’re so far away.
Your tree is starting to bloom. There are tiny little buds on it ready to blossom in the warm summer breezes ahead. Your Nana sent a cute little solar figurine of a little boy with a turtle that’s sitting under it now. Your Uncle Bumppo sent flower bulbs that me and Daddy will plant this weekend. Your fur brother Dakota sends the biggest cuddles and wet kisses.
Daddy bought a cupcake for your first birthday in heaven. We’ll blow your candle out tonight together and snuggle listening to Disney music for our little Mouseketeer. I hope we can see you in our dreams where I imagine you’re bouncing around and giggly, loving all that life has in store for you.
We love you Emmett. Always.
Since losing Emmett almost a year ago now, my social media feeds now seem full of a lot of little ones in NICU’s, thanks to all of the targeting from various algorithms.
It has me struggling with our decision a lot lately, wondering if we should’ve tried to wait longer. I know deep in my heart what we did was right. I talked with my longest friend about it a few days ago and she agreed.
But, I hate myself for it. I feel like such a failure for not being able to protect him. I hate all the what-ifs.
Tomorrow starts the beginning of going full circle. It will be one year since we first heard the words “cystic hygroma” at our first ultrasound. Emmett had developed a large, fluid-filled cyst on the back of his neck, what doctors told us is usually caused by chromosome issues such as Down’s Syndrome, Turner’s Syndrome, etc.
We went from being perfectly elated hearing our baby’s heartbeat the first time and seeing a bouncing blob on a monitor to being completely petrified and devastated in the matter of minutes.
At that appointment, we were instructed to get a follow-up ultrasound later that week at a different medical center to see if the findings were true. They were… but the news got worse. The advanced u/s machine also detected he had developed fetal hydrops, a condition where his organs were filling up with fluid. This causes them to work much harder and in a fetus that can be difficult to do for a full-term pregnancy.
The chances of Emmett making it the full 40 weeks was going to be a long shot since he had developed the cystic hygroma and hydrops so early. The chances of him ever making it outside a hospital was even lower. The chances of him celebrating his first birthday, lower than that. There was also the risk that I could develop maternal hydrops, putting my health and life at risk. It was a lot of news and information to absorb in such a short time.
They gave us the option to end our pregnancy that day or wait it out to see if things would improve. We did the latter and it was the longest April of our lives.
Continue reading “Going Full Circle”
Here’s our recent Facebook Live video to check-in on our walk fundraising:
Here are the links we mentioned in the video and how you can get involved:
All April: Emmett’s Birthday/Angelversary is April 26. Please keep us in your thoughts, send us texts, emails, calls, hugs, whatever. It really helps.
Walk Website (To join us on June 25 or to donate): www.crowdrise.com/emmettsolemates
Emmett’s name can be engraved on one of 3 memorials if we raise at least $500; the team at the walk with the highest fundraising total will be able to carry the Banner of Hope and start the event
Pampered Chef Sale (now through 11:59 March 31). 15% of sales and purchases of $75 or more will earn a free gift from Rhonda Dick https://pamperedchef.com/go/IMHEgV
Pure Barre North Andover – Sunday April 23 – Free Classes at 9,10:30 and 12 p.m. Register: http://purebarre.com/ma-andover/
Live Band Karaoke – Monday May 22 7-10 p.m. – If you can help volunteer (event planning, marketing, ticket sales, raffle ideas/items: please send us an email). Tickets will be available in April.
Our Story and Blog: https://missingemmett.wordpress.com/
Facebook Page: Missing Emmett
The Tears Foundation: www.thetearsfoundation.org/
Massachusetts Chapter FB Page: Massachusetts Chapter of The TEARS Foundation
Online support through a “closed” FB Group: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support – TEARS Foundation