Happy Birthday, Emmett

Happy birthday my sweet baby boy.

I can’t believe it’s been 365 days since I held you. My heart has never loved another thing so greatly until it met you. I think of you each and every day. I still wish for all of the moments that were taken away from you, me and daddy.

I miss you with all of my being but I know you’re in a better place where you aren’t in any pain and nothing can hurt you. But, oh, how I wish I could’ve protected you from that.

Birthday Quote - Emmett

There’s a whole world of family and friends that love you and who never were able to meet you. I hope you look down on them sometimes and see just how loved you are even though you’re so far away.

Your tree is starting to bloom. There are tiny little buds on it ready to blossom in the warm summer breezes ahead. Your Nana sent a cute little solar figurine of a little boy with a turtle that’s sitting under it now. Your Uncle Bumppo sent flower bulbs that me and Daddy will plant this weekend. Your fur brother Dakota sends the biggest cuddles and wet kisses.

Daddy bought a cupcake for your first birthday in heaven. We’ll blow your candle out tonight together and snuggle listening to Disney music for our little Mouseketeer. I hope we can see you in our dreams where I imagine you’re bouncing around and giggly, loving all that life has in store for you.

We love you Emmett. Always.

 

Reasons Why I Share Emmett’s Story

Some people wonder why I’ve been so vocal and willing to share our story about Emmett this year. There are several important reasons that I’ve made this decision. No, it’s not because I want to be that annoying person that is constantly filling up your newsfeed with dead baby stories.
 
Some of the reasons are:
 
1. It helps us heal. It validates that my son was real and that I will always love him no matter how much time has passed. I will never forget him or those few months that I carried him as a part of me. I don’t have much to remember him with, very few photos and only 18 hours of time to hold him next to me. I can never get those moments back.
 
2. I am 1 in 4. They say that 1 in 4 women will experience a pregnancy loss. I don’t buy it. It has to be higher. Unfortunately, the U.S. doesn’t record all losses. I’m still so surprised just by the number of women who have reached out to me with their own stories of loss in the past year alone. If you think you’re alone, you’re not. This is the hardest club you’ll ever be a member of. Period.
 
3. It’s helps others. My experience has helped others in the past year deal with their own losses and grief. While it’s painful to share, it’s also comforting to know that you’re not alone in this. There is always someone to talk to. Even if you can’t talk with your family or friends, there are support groups, mental health counselors and other resources available to you.
 
4. It spreads awareness. The sad truth is that not all pregnancies are successful and not all babies survive. I was naive to think that once we made it past the first trimester we would be ok and guaranteed to have a healthy pregnancy. That wasn’t true. By sharing Emmett’s story, I hope my honesty helps dispel this myth that is propagated by the media and we can shift the conversation to make this a less taboo topic to discuss.

Struggling

Since losing Emmett almost a year ago now, my social media feeds now seem full of a lot of little ones in NICU’s, thanks to all of the targeting from various algorithms.

It has me struggling with our decision a lot lately, wondering if we should’ve tried to wait longer. I know deep in my heart what we did was right. I talked with my longest friend about it a few days ago and she agreed.

But, I hate myself for it. I feel like such a failure for not being able to protect him. I hate all the what-ifs.

Going Full Circle

Tomorrow starts the beginning of going full circle. It will be one year since we first heard the words “cystic hygroma” at our first ultrasound. Emmett had developed a large, fluid-filled cyst on the back of his neck, what doctors told us is usually caused by chromosome issues such as Down’s Syndrome, Turner’s Syndrome, etc.

We went from being perfectly elated hearing our baby’s heartbeat the first time and seeing a bouncing blob on a monitor to being completely petrified and devastated in the matter of minutes.

EmmettUltrasound

At that appointment, we were instructed to get a follow-up ultrasound later that week at a different medical center to see if the findings were true. They were… but the news got worse. The advanced u/s machine also detected he had developed fetal hydrops, a condition where his organs were filling up with fluid. This causes them to work much harder and in a fetus that can be difficult to do for a full-term pregnancy.

The chances of Emmett making it the full 40 weeks was going to be a long shot since he had developed the cystic hygroma and hydrops so early. The chances of him ever making it outside a hospital was even lower. The chances of him celebrating his first birthday, lower than that. There was also the risk that I could develop maternal hydrops, putting my health and life at risk. It was a lot of news and information to absorb in such a short time.

They gave us the option to end our pregnancy that day or wait it out to see if things would improve. We did the latter and it was the longest April of our lives.

Continue reading “Going Full Circle”

Video: An Update on Our Fundraising

Here’s our recent Facebook Live video to check-in on our walk fundraising:

Here are the links we mentioned in the video and how you can get involved:

All April: Emmett’s Birthday/Angelversary is April 26. Please keep us in your thoughts, send us texts, emails, calls, hugs, whatever. It really helps.

Walk Website (To join us on June 25 or to donate): www.crowdrise.com/emmettsolemates
Emmett’s name can be engraved on one of 3 memorials if we raise at least $500; the team at the walk with the highest fundraising total will be able to carry the Banner of Hope and start the event

Pampered Chef Sale (now through 11:59 March 31). 15% of sales and purchases of $75 or more will earn a free gift from Rhonda Dick https://pamperedchef.com/go/IMHEgV

Pure Barre North Andover – Sunday April 23 – Free Classes at 9,10:30 and 12 p.m. Register: http://purebarre.com/ma-andover/

Live Band Karaoke – Monday May 22 7-10 p.m. – If you can help volunteer (event planning, marketing, ticket sales, raffle ideas/items: please send us an email). Tickets will be available in April.

Our Story and Blog: https://missingemmett.wordpress.com/

Facebook Page: Missing Emmett

The Tears Foundation: www.thetearsfoundation.org/

Massachusetts Chapter FB Page: Massachusetts Chapter of The TEARS Foundation

Online support through a “closed” FB Group: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support – TEARS Foundation

I Hate My Body Pt. 2

Update – 3:40 p.m. Feb. 3: Talked with my doctor’s nurse. They looked at the pelvic exam notes from yesterday and don’t think it’s consistent with PID. However, if I still have symptoms next week, I should come in for a urine test and then see an ob-gyn. Not what I hoped for in regards to definitive answers but at least it’s starting the discussion.

* * * * *

I’m sorry if this is incoherent but I’m writing this in a puddle of tears…

I recently wrote about why I hate my body in a post and none of that has changed. I think I just may hate it more today. (Note: sorry if there’s too much personal women’s hygiene detail in here but it’s part of the story. Plus, if you’re a woman, you’ll most likely relate from at least some point in your life.)

I was at the doctor’s office…again…yesterday. I noticed the other night some weird smelling discharge (and lots of it) when I was going pee. Back in November, I went to urgent care for something similar. They said I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection so I started a course of antibiotics and a vaginal gel to clear it up.

The symptoms this week were just like that so I messaged my PCP and asked if there’s something OTC I could take to clear it up or if she’d like to see me. So, I went in for a pelvic exam and they found the exact same thing as November. I’m on the same antibiotics and vaginal gel but this time a double-dose.

One of the side effects of one of the meds is insomnia. I already have bad insomnia from the grief and anxiety (it’s been getting better recently but still at least a couple of nights per week.) I was up last night so I was just reading about bacterial vaginosis, in hopes, that it would put me to sleep being so boring.

In reading, I found out about a condition called Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, or PID. It’s usually caused by STD’s but as I read further, it can also be caused after miscarriages or abortions.

This had me thinking back to April 2016 when I was doubled over in pain and enduring copious blood loss because my cervix was being held open by left-over pregnancy tissues that I didn’t pass naturally after being induced or when the doctor did her manual evacuation of the placenta. I ended up in the ER and was told that I had an infection and was given antibiotics.

Continue reading “I Hate My Body Pt. 2”