A Different Kind of Mother’s Day

This weekend is Mother’s Day.

Last year, I was still numb and in too much physical and emotional pain to even care. It didn’t occur to me that friends from afar were sending me messages on that first holiday for me as a mother. I had nothing to celebrate because I didn’t think I was a mother. My baby was no longer with me. I still have difficulty believing that I’m a mother some days. But, I am.

mother's day

There are a lot of us “hidden” mothers out there. We don’t have living children alongside us. We don’t get the cheerful, handmade cards. We don’t get breakfast in bed with extra snuggles.

We watch from the sidelines all of the joy upon other moms faces as they get to embrace their little ones during brunch. We stifle back the tears so you don’t see the hurt on our face. We’re the mothers that are so often forgotten.

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I Hate My Body Pt. 2

Update – 3:40 p.m. Feb. 3: Talked with my doctor’s nurse. They looked at the pelvic exam notes from yesterday and don’t think it’s consistent with PID. However, if I still have symptoms next week, I should come in for a urine test and then see an ob-gyn. Not what I hoped for in regards to definitive answers but at least it’s starting the discussion.

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I’m sorry if this is incoherent but I’m writing this in a puddle of tears…

I recently wrote about why I hate my body in a post and none of that has changed. I think I just may hate it more today. (Note: sorry if there’s too much personal women’s hygiene detail in here but it’s part of the story. Plus, if you’re a woman, you’ll most likely relate from at least some point in your life.)

I was at the doctor’s office…again…yesterday. I noticed the other night some weird smelling discharge (and lots of it) when I was going pee. Back in November, I went to urgent care for something similar. They said I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection so I started a course of antibiotics and a vaginal gel to clear it up.

The symptoms this week were just like that so I messaged my PCP and asked if there’s something OTC I could take to clear it up or if she’d like to see me. So, I went in for a pelvic exam and they found the exact same thing as November. I’m on the same antibiotics and vaginal gel but this time a double-dose.

One of the side effects of one of the meds is insomnia. I already have bad insomnia from the grief and anxiety (it’s been getting better recently but still at least a couple of nights per week.) I was up last night so I was just reading about bacterial vaginosis, in hopes, that it would put me to sleep being so boring.

In reading, I found out about a condition called Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, or PID. It’s usually caused by STD’s but as I read further, it can also be caused after miscarriages or abortions.

This had me thinking back to April 2016 when I was doubled over in pain and enduring copious blood loss because my cervix was being held open by left-over pregnancy tissues that I didn’t pass naturally after being induced or when the doctor did her manual evacuation of the placenta. I ended up in the ER and was told that I had an infection and was given antibiotics.

Continue reading “I Hate My Body Pt. 2”

I Hate My Body

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Most women to a certain extent hate their body. Too flabby here, too much jiggle there. I’m just like that. I could certainly stand to lose a little around my midsection and tone my upper arms up a bit more, but I don’t dwell on it to the point where I “fat-shame” myself for how I look or feel. For the most part, I’m happy about my body and I’m comfortable in my own skin in regards to my physical appearance.

I hate my body for a different reason. It failed me. Or, at least I think it did.

The one thing a woman is supposed to be able to do that is unique to us is bear a child. I couldn’t do that properly. A part of me feels like less of a woman since I couldn’t accomplish something that seems like it should be perfectly simple to do, since countless other women have done it since the beginning of time.

I failed to do one of the most important responsibilities that a mother could do for a child. Protect their life. I couldn’t keep my baby safe for nine months. I only held him in my body for 18+4, just a little under 5 months.

Everyone always says you should be pretty safe once you get out of the first trimester and it should be smooth sailing but it wasn’t in our case. We lost our baby part way through the second trimester.

A week after that loss, I was back in the hospital in horrible pain. I had developed an infection because my body couldn’t pass all of the retained pregnancy tissue after the loss. More pain and more reminder of the failure.

Continue reading “I Hate My Body”