A Letter About Life and Loss to the Old Me

On the advice of my support group leader AND my therapist, I’ve been tasked to write a letter to the “old” me. I’ve been struggling A LOT lately with my emotions. I’m easily angered and frustrated these days. I had a meltdown the other day when I couldn’t figure out how to get the allergen protector back on the mattress after I washed it. It was ugly.

My therapist thinks this will help me process all of the emotions that I’ve been feeling lately and that I won’t be as hard on myself as I tend to be. I’ve been super procrastinating on this assignment because I know it’s going to cause the waterworks. I’ve decided to write the letter to the “me” on my wedding day, back on Feb. 15, 2008. Here goes…

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Dear Christina,

Today is going to be one of the happiest days of your lives. You’re going to be surrounded by people who love and care for you. People who will do anything for you and just want you to be happy.

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“The Child in Time’s” Benedict Cumberbatch Talks About Grief

Benedict Cumberbatch is my favorite actor out there right now. He’s starring in the BBC/PBS adaptation of Ian McEwan’s book “The Child in Time”, about a couple who loses their young daughter and the subsequent aftermath on their relationship. While it isn’t about pregnancy or infant loss, the film’s main themes, including grief and relationships after loss, transcend any loss of a child.

Take a look:

P.S. Just fore-warning everyone now, get me a box of Kleenex and leave me alone during this one.

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Review: Return to Zero

Streaming right now on Netflix is the Minnie Driver-led “Return to Zero.” The 2014 film is a brutal, honest and emotional look at one couple’s (Maggie and Aaron) experience after the stillbirth of their son, Arthur. It’s an independent, low-budget movie that also stars Paul Adelstein, Alfred Molina and Kathy Baker.

Watch the trailer here:

I’ve been wanting to watch this for a while after hearing about it in some of the “angel mommy” discussion boards. But, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it as I knew it would be emotionally draining. I didn’t feel comfortable watching it with Brett at home so I finished it last Friday since it was cool, gloomy and rainy on a “summer” day. It took 17 Kleenex to get me through. (That’s on-par with “The Notebook” for me for those wondering.)

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Career Goals

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Brett and I were talking last night about career aspirations. I’ve been struggling with working from home the last year. I work for a virtual company (which I honestly love my colleagues) but I just don’t see them frequently. We generally only talk on conference calls or virtual meetings. If we do see each other, it’s once, maybe twice a year. Many of my clients are scattered all around the country so I also don’t have a lot of face-to-face contact with them. I do have a few clients in the Boston area but it’s a pretty well-oiled machine that I don’t have to drop-in very often, except for maybe some trainings here and there.

I try to work a couple of times a month from Starbucks or somewhere remotely just to have some sort of interpersonal communications with others. (If you see me, I’m that annoying person who’ll comment on the book you’re reading or ask you about the pretty colored beverage you ordered, just so I can strike up a conversation.) Because of this, I have been searching for new opportunities where I can work outside of the house because¬†I can become so isolated and hermit-like just staying at home. There are times where I’ve gone 2 weeks without leaving the house.

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Summer 2017 Bucket List

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Last year was such a blur. About the only thing I remember from last summer was going to Charleston with my three besties. This year, I want to enjoy it and savor my experiences and time with family and friends more.

So, I decided to put together a “bucket list” of things I want to do.

1. Have an awesome day at Water Country in NH. – I haven’t been here since grad school with my roommate. I love water parks.

2. Enjoy all the food at Mario Batali’s Eataly at the Prudential Center – This new mecca of foodie delights has shopping and dining experiences.

3. Go to the beach at least twice – That’s how many times I went last year but I’d prefer not get my chest toasted to a crisp

4. Meet our walk team’s fundraising goal in honor of Emmett for the TEARS Foundation by the end of June (You can help us here)

5. Shopping day at the Yankee Candle headquarters in western Mass

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A Different Kind of Mother’s Day

This weekend is Mother’s Day.

Last year, I was still numb and in too much physical and emotional pain to even care. It didn’t occur to me that friends from afar were sending me messages on that first holiday for me as a mother. I had nothing to celebrate because I didn’t think I was a mother. My baby was no longer with me. I still have difficulty believing that I’m a mother some days. But, I am.

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There are a lot of us “hidden” mothers out there. We don’t have living children alongside us. We don’t get the cheerful, handmade cards. We don’t get breakfast in bed with extra snuggles.

We watch from the sidelines all of the joy upon other moms faces as they get to embrace their little ones during brunch. We stifle back the tears so you don’t see the hurt on our face. We’re the mothers that are so often forgotten.

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