We Need to Talk About It

This post originally was published on June 8, 2018, on my Facebook page after the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Click here to follow Missing Emmett on FB.

This week has hurt. A little bit more than most.

It’s ok to talk about it, and that’s why I do. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have for most of my life. I had my first panic attack in high school. Scared because I didn’t know that all of those emotions flooding my head were entirely normal. I wasn’t going crazy. It took me years to realize that.


We all are.

We have feelings. We have hearts. We make connections with people that make indelible marks on our souls.

Most recently, I’m struggling with my past. To be specific…2001. It’s complicated grief. Sparked by Emmett’s loss but remembering the loss of my mom. At a time when I was just beginning to find myself. I was in pain and my heart was full of this emptiness, straining to find something to mask it. Until someone came along and made me feel alive.

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Still Standing Magazine: 10 Bible Quotes to Provide Hope and Strength After Loss

My most recent article for Still Standing Magazine is up. I was really hesitant to write this one because I’m not one to discuss my faith or God much. I didn’t really have much a relationship with God until the loss and it’s something I’ve struggled with. But, I’ve been trying to get into the habit of reading the Bible daily since so many questions can’t ever be answered in life. Having faith, in a way, provides those answers to some of the questions or at least offers some comfort and solace to those who are grieving.

Read the full post

A Letter About Life and Loss to the Old Me

On the advice of my support group leader AND my therapist, I’ve been tasked to write a letter to the “old” me. I’ve been struggling A LOT lately with my emotions. I’m easily angered and frustrated these days. I had a meltdown the other day when I couldn’t figure out how to get the allergen protector back on the mattress after I washed it. It was ugly.

My therapist thinks this will help me process all of the emotions that I’ve been feeling lately and that I won’t be as hard on myself as I tend to be. I’ve been super procrastinating on this assignment because I know it’s going to cause the waterworks. I’ve decided to write the letter to the “me” on my wedding day, back on Feb. 15, 2008. Here goes…


Dear Christina,

Today is going to be one of the happiest days of your lives. You’re going to be surrounded by people who love and care for you. People who will do anything for you and just want you to be happy.

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Giving Up Control

071517 - Out of Control

I’ve still been seeing my therapist every two weeks or so for the past year. Earlier this week, I had my regular session and it was one of those moments that made me go, “hmm.”

Let me step back for a second.

My brother, John, has been staying with Brett and I for almost a month. He recently won his disability claim after nearly four years of waiting and appeals, and living in a several different homeless shelters in Wisconsin. It’s been a stressful and emotional time for him so his therapist recommended that he come out to visit us for a month or two so he can figure out what he wants to do with his life. He recently said to us as we were sitting on the back porch, “This is the first time I’ve felt safe in a long time.”

We moved to Massachusetts from Wisconsin almost seven years ago now. This is the first time he’s been able to see where we live. It’s nice having him here and to catch up with him again, but it’s been anxiety-ridden for me and a definite shift in our regular routine.

Particularly, it’s bringing to light a lot of “hidden” anxieties that I have. I’ve always felt safe with my older brother. We would go on amazing road trips every summer to Disney World from the time I was in sixth grade through my junior year of high school.  But, after my adopted mom passed away when I was a sophomore in college, life changed drastically for both of us.

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September Link Roundup

autumn-leaves_400pxAutumn is upon us. My favorite time of the year.

The leaves are changing. You can keep the windows open at night for a breath of fresh air. And of course, there’s apple cider and everything pumpkin.

While I am disappointed that we won’t be able to celebrate Halloween with Emmett, I’m not entirely dreading the upcoming holidays…well, at least I’m not yet. Since we had known he would be joining us in the fall, we were hoping to do a family costume this year when we go trick-or-treating with our godson and his family. As I mentioned in this post, we’re a huge Disney family. Since Disney purchased Marvel, all of our fandoms have kindly aligned. We loved the 2014 sleeper hit Guardians of the Galaxy and had hoped to be Star-Lord, Gamora and a baby Rocket Racoon. Adorbs, right?

We’ve been doing this blog now for just about a month. First, I just want to say thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I can’t express how thankful I am that people are reading and sharing Emmett’s story.  I’ve received countless texts, emails and private messages that his story has resonated with people. Some who’ve never even shared that they had a miscarriage or loss with anyone else before. I’m grateful that my family’s experience can help others and provide some solace during a time of such despair and loneliness. I hope we can continue to go on this journey together.

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Things I’m Learning Pt. 1

You never know what’s going to happen at any second. Take advantage of opportunities that come up. Live your life, don’t be afraid of it.

I feel like this could be an ongoing post as I continue to go through this process. It’s been almost four months since we lost Emmett.


So far, these are the things that I’ve noticed about this journey and myself:

 1. Live each moment to the fullest.

You never know what’s going to happen at any second. Take advantage of opportunities that come up. Live your life, don’t be afraid of it.

2. I’m not afraid to speak up anymore

I’m usually a really reserved person who is quite introverted. I find myself speaking very quickly these days, sometimes without thinking. However, I think it’s probably the first time in my life that I’ve been brutally honest with myself and others. I sincerely apologize if I’ve said or done something in the past six months that has offended you. My filter is on a sabbatical right now.

3. Don’t take things or people for granted

I find myself saying “I love you” to people more and that I’m just grateful for the things in my life no matter how mundane and silly. I think part of it is because I know I’m lucky to have experienced a good life. Emmett is never going to experience any of those things that I have. There’s always going to be all of those “what-ifs”. Those missed holidays and birthdays. The first words, first steps, none of those will get to happen for him.

Continue reading “Things I’m Learning Pt. 1”