Streaming right now on Netflix is the Minnie Driver-led “Return to Zero.” The 2014 film is a brutal, honest and emotional look at one couple’s (Maggie and Aaron) experience after the stillbirth of their son, Arthur. It’s an independent, low-budget movie that also stars Paul Adelstein, Alfred Molina and Kathy Baker.
Watch the trailer here:
I’ve been wanting to watch this for a while after hearing about it in some of the “angel mommy” discussion boards. But, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it as I knew it would be emotionally draining. I didn’t feel comfortable watching it with Brett at home so I finished it last Friday since it was cool, gloomy and rainy on a “summer” day. It took 17 Kleenex to get me through. (That’s on-par with “The Notebook” for me for those wondering.)
We’ve been through a lot this year. More than we ever anticipated. We started 2016 with such joy and hope, only to have it torn away from us.
I don’t think this is anywhere close to what we imagined our life would be together. We’ve come so far in the 12 years that we’ve known each other and the almost 9 years of marriage. Looking back at those silly college-aged kids in photos, everything now seems like a lifetime ago. When our biggest troubles and our greatest fears revolved around term papers or master’s projects.
Some days I can’t even comprehend how you find the strength to stay with me. You’ve been there for all of my personal struggles in the last 10 years. You’ve missed work to go to medical appointments so I wouldn’t have to be alone and you could hold my hand. You slept on a twin bed for the first two years of our marriage in that tiny apartment so we could care together for my dad and brother. I’ve put you through a lot, and you know it’s my biggest fear that you’ll leave me. I remind you constantly of my insecurity. I’m grateful to have you by my side. I don’t know how I could go on some days without you.
Today is Sept. 1. The first day of what should’ve been the month I had my first baby. Instead, Sept. 1, has been this day that I’ve been dreading for weeks. I wish I could just skip over this month entirely and just be in October already. Alas, I can’t. I have to endure the next four weeks, not with the prospect and joy of bringing home a little bundle of joy, but instead with the torturing pang in my heart that my baby will not come on his intended due date.
How timely that I found this video this week from BuzzFeed that plunges into the topic of miscarriage and loss in a very honest way. For those unfamiliar with BuzzFeed, I usually watch them for the hilarious food tastings like the great adventure of Chris and Keith called “ChickenWatch 2k15,” which looks to find out what SoCal grocery store chain has the best fried chicken. However, they do tackle some more weighty topics from time-to-time, such as LGBTQ and racial inequities.
When they posted the video below of a couple who has experienced three miscarriages, and is now pregnant with a baby girl, I wasn’t really prepared to watch it since this is all so “new” to me. I hope you will take a few minutes to watch this to see just how real miscarriage is and how it can affect a couple.
I was in tears by this couple’s honest testimonial and so grateful for them sharing their story. I could totally get where the woman was coming from how she felt guilty, like she did something to do this to her babies. I think that resonated the most with me. The overwhelming guilt that just eats at me every day.
I wish more people would share their stories to help others feel less isolated by this intimidating and difficult circumstance so I’m hopeful this will help start a larger conversation about this topic in our society.
Let me know what you think in the comments about the video and if it helped you understand miscarriage more.