I have a confession to make. I haven’t been honest with you and I’ve struggled with coming clean. I feel like I’ve been living a horrible lie since we haven’t shared this with anyone.
Most of you know Emmett’s story. You know that doctor’s suspected our baby had developed Turner’s Syndrome, and that was the reason for many of the complications during our pregnancy. Babies with Turner’s Syndrome only have one X chromosome so it only affects females. Because of that diagnosis, we picked the name “Emma” shortly after the ultrasound for our baby but we only told a few family members.
After I delivered, the nurses and doctors took the baby away for measurements. I asked to hold “Emma”. They came back in asking, “What makes you think your baby is a girl?” We replied, “The doctors told us our baby had Turner’s Syndrome and that she’s a girl after our ultrasounds.”
Continue reading “I Have a Confession”
If you’ve been following this blog or my Instagram for any amount of time, you’ll know that we’re a crazy, fanatical Disney family. As I write this, Brett and I are listening to the retired “Wishes” fireworks score from Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World.
So, of course, when Disney announced they were doing a live-action version of “Beauty and the Beast”, I was hesitant. It is such a classic movie that defined Disney animation during my childhood, along with “Little Mermaid,” “Aladdin,” and “The Lion King.” How could they bring these iconic films to life without sacrificing any of the magic?
Then, they announced Emma Watson (“Harry Potter”) as Belle and Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey”) as Beast, I started to get more excited. More and more news began to come out, including cast additions like Emma Thompson as Mrs. Potts, Ian McKellan as Cogsworth, Luke Evans as Gaston and Josh Gad as LeFou.
In March, Brett and I had a date day to go see it in the theater. Immediately, we were both mesmerized by the pure magic that Disney had created. I instantly fell in love with this new incarnation of Belle and the Beast, including the music from their world that can be credited to Alan Menken and the late Howard Ashman.
Continue reading “How Does a Moment Last Forever”
I’ve still been seeing my therapist every two weeks or so for the past year. Earlier this week, I had my regular session and it was one of those moments that made me go, “hmm.”
Let me step back for a second.
My brother, John, has been staying with Brett and I for almost a month. He recently won his disability claim after nearly four years of waiting and appeals, and living in a several different homeless shelters in Wisconsin. It’s been a stressful and emotional time for him so his therapist recommended that he come out to visit us for a month or two so he can figure out what he wants to do with his life. He recently said to us as we were sitting on the back porch, “This is the first time I’ve felt safe in a long time.”
We moved to Massachusetts from Wisconsin almost seven years ago now. This is the first time he’s been able to see where we live. It’s nice having him here and to catch up with him again, but it’s been anxiety-ridden for me and a definite shift in our regular routine.
Particularly, it’s bringing to light a lot of “hidden” anxieties that I have. I’ve always felt safe with my older brother. We would go on amazing road trips every summer to Disney World from the time I was in sixth grade through my junior year of high school. But, after my adopted mom passed away when I was a sophomore in college, life changed drastically for both of us.
Continue reading “Giving Up Control”
Melissa Rauch, who plays Bernadette on CBS’s “The Big Bang Theory, announced her pregnancy in a story for Glamour magazine that’s going viral this week. In the piece, she also reveals candid reflections about her own miscarriage and all of the grief emotions that have been taking place and the anxiety during her current pregnancy.
I’m so proud of her honesty and openness about such a sensitive subject because it’s something that needs to be discussed. In today’s society where everyone seems to idolize people on the TV and movie screens, sometimes it takes a celebrity’s story for the hard issues to come into the forefront and start a meaningful dialogue.
I hope more people out there read her story and understand how commonplace miscarriage and pregnancy loss is, even in the United States with all of our modern technology and breakthroughs of Western medicine. No one is immune to the heartache and pain. Miscarriage doesn’t discriminate and it can happen to anyone — your sister, your cousin, your college roommate, your idol from TV.
Congratulations Melissa (and husband Winston) on your pregnancy. I wish you all the best. But, Melissa, you’re already a mommy. Don’t sell yourself short. You became a mommy once you became pregnant, and no one can take that title away from you.
P.S. I sincerely feel really awful about tweeting my letter for TBBT production team to you months and months ago in my own grief. I still fall prey to the illusions that even in Hollywood miscarriage can’t happen.
I’m excited to announce that I’ve joined the writing team at Still Standing Magazine as a regular contributor. I’m working on my first posts now, which will start to appear later this summer.
I am really humbled to be joining a wonderful and talented group of writers from all over the world. I hate that we’re all connected by such a tragedy as losing a child. I hope that I can share some of the things that I’ve learned and that I’m still learning in my grief process since losing Emmett over a year ago.
In other news, I also wanted to share that Emmett’s Sole Mates raised nearly $4,000 to benefit The Massachusetts Chapter of The TEARS Foundation and was the third place team for fundraising total. We fell just short of our $5,000 goal but Brett and I are truly amazed at all of the love and support we have received from family and friends, far and wide who made a gift in honor of our sweet baby. If you would still like to donate, you can! Just click here.
The walk was held back on June 25 and it was a gorgeous but emotional day. Overall, the chapter raised more than $43,000, crushing their fundraising from last year’s inaugural walk. As one of the walk committee members, it’s so inspiring to see a community come together to be able to help provide supportive services to those in need.
I also appeared with several of our other chapter members on a local TV show as a panelist discussing pregnancy and infant loss as well as the walk. You can still watch it here:
Finally, it may seem quiet over on Facebook this month. I’m taking a hiatus from the social networking site as part of my self-care routing for the month of July. You can still find me Tweeting or Instagramming if you want to see what I’m up to these days. But, I shall return to the land of Facebook again in August.
Streaming right now on Netflix is the Minnie Driver-led “Return to Zero.” The 2014 film is a brutal, honest and emotional look at one couple’s (Maggie and Aaron) experience after the stillbirth of their son, Arthur. It’s an independent, low-budget movie that also stars Paul Adelstein, Alfred Molina and Kathy Baker.
Watch the trailer here:
I’ve been wanting to watch this for a while after hearing about it in some of the “angel mommy” discussion boards. But, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it as I knew it would be emotionally draining. I didn’t feel comfortable watching it with Brett at home so I finished it last Friday since it was cool, gloomy and rainy on a “summer” day. It took 17 Kleenex to get me through. (That’s on-par with “The Notebook” for me for those wondering.)
Continue reading “Review: Return to Zero”