November Link Roundup

So, I’m sitting at Starbucks today. Got out of the house to do some work since it’s a gloomy, drizzly fall day.

A few minutes after I sat down, a couple with twin boys, no more than 3 or 4 years old, sat down at the table next to me. The kids were bopping and bouncing to the music, happily chomping on their little snack boxes of fruit and cheese. I couldn’t help but smile as I looked over at them. One of the boys exclaimed, “Mommy! She has your computer,” while I typed away on my Mac putting together an email newsletter for a client. “Yes, hunny, that is the same as Mommy’s computer at home.” We just silently smiled at each other.

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The couple started talking to the woman on the opposite side of them and I overheard, “Do you have any other kids?” My heart just sank momentarily. Thinking to myself. Oh god, please don’t talk to me. I don’t want to answer that. I’ve actually not had anyone ask if I have kids since losing Emmett so I haven’t had to answer that particular question yet. I know it’s going to come up some day. I’ll probably be honest and just say I have an angel baby. But there are times where it just takes more energy to be honest and it’s easier to utter no even though in my heart it’s an awful lie.

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October Link Roundup

pumpkinWe were shopping a week or so ago and came across a display of baby Halloween costumes outside a store, already on clearance… the little Nemo’s, pumpkins, monkeys. All of them were so cute to bundle a newborn up in. I was so looking forward to dressing Emmett up this year.

I wasn’t even really all that sad seeing them. It was more this pang of disappointment in my chest, knowing that we’ll just be missing out on something this Halloween. It has me looking towards the larger holidays still to come – Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s – all with a bit of dread, instead of the usual excitement. We were walking around Home Depot this past weekend, looking at Christmas lights. Deep in my heart thinking that we have to continue through the holidays just without Emmett. It sucks. Plain and simple.

Yesterday, I was just a mess. Couldn’t find the will to get through my work to-do list, fighting a migraine. I left the house around lunchtime just to get together with Brett to see if he could cheer me up over a cup of coffee. I still have those days that are just harder than others. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just move on, forget sometimes that this has happened to us. But I can’t. I hate crying myself to sleep at night, silently whimpering and grasping for the dog in the dark since I can just feel him breathe next to me. Something real. I find myself laying my head on his chest just moving up and down with his breath. Sometimes that’s the only thing that can calm me down as I count his breaths, slowly and methodically and drift off into a not-so-peaceful sleep.

Grief and loss just sucks. You have to continue even after the heartbeat of your loved one has stopped. Some days you can muddle your way through but others it’s so hard with the longing and the wishful thinking clouding your brain.

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September Link Roundup

autumn-leaves_400pxAutumn is upon us. My favorite time of the year.

The leaves are changing. You can keep the windows open at night for a breath of fresh air. And of course, there’s apple cider and everything pumpkin.

While I am disappointed that we won’t be able to celebrate Halloween with Emmett, I’m not entirely dreading the upcoming holidays…well, at least I’m not yet. Since we had known he would be joining us in the fall, we were hoping to do a family costume this year when we go trick-or-treating with our godson and his family. As I mentioned in this post, we’re a huge Disney family. Since Disney purchased Marvel, all of our fandoms have kindly aligned. We loved the 2014 sleeper hit Guardians of the Galaxy and had hoped to be Star-Lord, Gamora and a baby Rocket Racoon. Adorbs, right?

We’ve been doing this blog now for just about a month. First, I just want to say thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I can’t express how thankful I am that people are reading and sharing Emmett’s story.  I’ve received countless texts, emails and private messages that his story has resonated with people. Some who’ve never even shared that they had a miscarriage or loss with anyone else before. I’m grateful that my family’s experience can help others and provide some solace during a time of such despair and loneliness. I hope we can continue to go on this journey together.

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