This post originally was published on June 8, 2018, on my Facebook page after the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Click here to follow Missing Emmett on FB.
This week has hurt. A little bit more than most.
It’s ok to talk about it, and that’s why I do. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have for most of my life. I had my first panic attack in high school. Scared because I didn’t know that all of those emotions flooding my head were entirely normal. I wasn’t going crazy. It took me years to realize that.
I. AM. NOT. CRAZY. I. AM. HUMAN.
We all are.
We have feelings. We have hearts. We make connections with people that make indelible marks on our souls.
Most recently, I’m struggling with my past. To be specific…2001. It’s complicated grief. Sparked by Emmett’s loss but remembering the loss of my mom. At a time when I was just beginning to find myself. I was in pain and my heart was full of this emptiness, straining to find something to mask it. Until someone came along and made me feel alive.
I’ve been trying these past few weeks to recapture that feeling. Like wisps of smoke, however, that person is no longer there. Over the years, I’ve loved and lost so many others and the “who” that has emerged is “me.” The “me” that I’m uncomfortable with but trying to find harmony, a truce of sorts.
“Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat”
You’ve probably seen me posting a lot of song lyrics lately. When I get retrospective, I listen to a lot of music. I’ve been through most of my anthologies of Michelle Branch and Vertical Horizon over the last few weeks. But, it’s these words from a Harry Styles’ song “Two Ghosts” that are running through my head right now, contemplating two different meanings:
1. There are these two spirits masquerading as me. One of them is feigning how it felt to be young, impressionable, naive to the world’s pain. Trying to feel something, anything other than hurt and sorrow. To know that you can be loved so entirely and be happy. The other one, pained, that she can’t let the past go and come to terms with the future.
2. It also shows the different people that Brett and I have become in all of this. How part of me is actively pushing him away from my hurt, my pain, my confusion. It’s where I am at in processing our grief journey as a couple, together. Trying to figure out “us”. Where we go from here. “We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.” I know what we had once and that we can get there again but it seems so far away.
But, I’ve come to realize that I need to feel both of these things. I can’t hide from them. I must acknowledge them. Then, I can move on and find the resolution, the healing. That’s how I’m choosing to grow and learn from this.
I’m not gonna lie. My head and heart is a mess right now. But I’m not perfect. It makes me think of another song, “Flicker” by Niall Horan (yes, I like me some 1D boys…)
“I remember the magic electricity / Then, I look in my heart / There’s a light in the dark / Still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me”
I know that flicker is there. We…I will find it again. I just need time.
The National Suicide Prevention Line is 24/7. If you need it, please call: 1-800-273-8255. You are not weak. You are not a burden. You are cared for, loved.