A Letter About Life and Loss to the Old Me

On the advice of my support group leader AND my therapist, I’ve been tasked to write a letter to the “old” me. I’ve been struggling A LOT lately with my emotions. I’m easily angered and frustrated these days. I had a meltdown the other day when I couldn’t figure out how to get the allergen protector back on the mattress after I washed it. It was ugly.

My therapist thinks this will help me process all of the emotions that I’ve been feeling lately and that I won’t be as hard on myself as I tend to be. I’ve been super procrastinating on this assignment because I know it’s going to cause the waterworks. I’ve decided to write the letter to the “me” on my wedding day, back on Feb. 15, 2008. Here goes…

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Dear Christina,

Today is going to be one of the happiest days of your lives. You’re going to be surrounded by people who love and care for you. People who will do anything for you and just want you to be happy.

You’re marrying your best friend. Brett loves you with his whole heart and soul. Please believe me when I say that. He loves you so much. He is never going to fall out of love with you or leave you. He’s in this for life. He wants to grow old with you, just like they do in “The Notebook,” which I know you love because you want something as special as Allie and Noah were able to find. He even knows how much you love that movie and his wedding gift that he’s going to give you later tonight is a book he wrote telling the story of how you both found each other and fell in love. It’s a cherished gift that no one can put a price on.

I’m not going to lie. The road is going to be difficult at times. You’re going to have your doubts about one another. You’ll have issues with your health that are going to make you frustrated and angry for answers. You’re going to be confused about what you want from life, and it’s going to take a while for you to figure it out. But, once you do, you’re amazing at it. At times, you’ll wish that you could go back in time to do things over. But, you’ll get through it all. Together.

You and Brett are partners in this life. Marriage is a partnership where you walk the road that life throws at you, going hand-in-hand through the smooth sections and the rough terrain. You’ll pick each other up when one of you stumbles. You’ll cry tears in unison as you watch pieces of your landscape crumbling down, but you’ll smile and be thankful when you can wake up and see the beautiful sunrise each morning side-by-side.

The tears are going to come in torrential waves for you. The unimaginable is going to shatter your world, take away your innocence. It will make your world feel small, broken and insecure. You may not think it’s possible right now since you’re so focused on your career. But one surprising day, you’re going to find out you’re going to be a mom, and you’re going to be a great mom to a little baby boy.

You’re going to love him with everything that you are. It’s going to be hard but you’re going to have to say goodbye to this baby before you even have a chance to know him. Yet, he’s going to leave a huge mark on you and Brett to always remember him. Not a day will go by when you don’t think of him. You’ll see a butterfly and know he’s not too far away. He’s with two of his grandmas up in heaven, looking down on you all, and waiting for the day when you’ll all be back together as a family.

I won’t lie, there are going to be days that you don’t want to get out of bed. When you use all of your energy and willpower to just get dressed. There will be times when you don’t want to eat or talk to anyone. There are going to be times when you feel guilty for living and laughing. Please, find it deep inside yourself to keep going. Together, live your lives to the fullest for that little boy. Because if it weren’t for the love that the two of you have, he wouldn’t have come into your lives.

Go easy on yourself. You’re only human. You can’t fix everything and you can’t bear the weight of the world on your shoulders without falling to pieces. Life is crazy and unpredictable. It’s not fair and it doesn’t make sense. Just know in your heart that you found a good one and that together the two of you can accomplish anything.

With much love,

Christina ❤

 

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