I Have a Confession

I have a confession to make. I haven’t been honest with you and I’ve struggled with coming clean. I feel like I’ve been living a horrible lie since we haven’t shared this with anyone.

Most of you know Emmett’s story. You know that doctor’s suspected our baby had developed Turner’s Syndrome, and that was the reason for many of the complications during our pregnancy. Babies with Turner’s Syndrome only have one X chromosome so it only affects females. Because of that diagnosis, we picked the name “Emma” shortly after the ultrasound for our baby but we only told a few family members.

After I delivered, the nurses and doctors took the baby away for measurements. I asked to hold “Emma”. They came back in asking, “What makes you think your baby is a girl?” We replied, “The doctors told us our baby had Turner’s Syndrome and that she’s a girl after our ultrasounds.”

The delivering doctor disagreed. The puffiness and all of the fluid from the cystic hygroma made our baby, well, look like a boy in places. They wouldn’t be able to tell for sure until a pathologist completed an exam to know. That could take weeks. We were put on the spot and asked, “What do you want to name your baby” so they could fill out paperwork. Brett quickly answered “Emmett.” We changed Emma to Emmett, a name that runs on both sides of our family.

We assumed the doctor was right and the first diagnosis was wrong so we went along thinking we had a baby boy. But, almost three months later, the pathology report came back and it was confirmed. We truly did have a baby girl.

Instead of going through the trouble of telling family and friends all the complicated reasons of changing a name, we just kept Emmett. It was easier. I’m not sure who exactly it was easier on…us or everyone else.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly sharing this. We haven’t told anyone else this before. Most of our close friends and even our support group don’t know. I don’t even know if I’ve shared this with my therapist.

A part of me feels like such a fraud for keeping that secret. That I’ve been hiding something about my baby. I feel so guilty about it at times and I’m just waiting for someone to poke holes in our story, “Uh, Turner’s Syndrome only affects girls…but your baby is a boy…?”

It doesn’t change anything if it was a boy or a girl. It’s still a loss. It still hurts just as much. But, I thought I should just let you know…

name change

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