I Hate My Body Pt. 2

Update – 3:40 p.m. Feb. 3: Talked with my doctor’s nurse. They looked at the pelvic exam notes from yesterday and don’t think it’s consistent with PID. However, if I still have symptoms next week, I should come in for a urine test and then see an ob-gyn. Not what I hoped for in regards to definitive answers but at least it’s starting the discussion.

* * * * *

I’m sorry if this is incoherent but I’m writing this in a puddle of tears…

I recently wrote about why I hate my body in a post and none of that has changed. I think I just may hate it more today. (Note: sorry if there’s too much personal women’s hygiene detail in here but it’s part of the story. Plus, if you’re a woman, you’ll most likely relate from at least some point in your life.)

I was at the doctor’s office…again…yesterday. I noticed the other night some weird smelling discharge (and lots of it) when I was going pee. Back in November, I went to urgent care for something similar. They said I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection so I started a course of antibiotics and a vaginal gel to clear it up.

The symptoms this week were just like that so I messaged my PCP and asked if there’s something OTC I could take to clear it up or if she’d like to see me. So, I went in for a pelvic exam and they found the exact same thing as November. I’m on the same antibiotics and vaginal gel but this time a double-dose.

One of the side effects of one of the meds is insomnia. I already have bad insomnia from the grief and anxiety (it’s been getting better recently but still at least a couple of nights per week.) I was up last night so I was just reading about bacterial vaginosis, in hopes, that it would put me to sleep being so boring.

In reading, I found out about a condition called Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, or PID. It’s usually caused by STD’s but as I read further, it can also be caused after miscarriages or abortions.

This had me thinking back to April 2016 when I was doubled over in pain and enduring copious blood loss because my cervix was being held open by left-over pregnancy tissues that I didn’t pass naturally after being induced or when the doctor did her manual evacuation of the placenta. I ended up in the ER and was told that I had an infection and was given antibiotics.

Some of PID’s symptoms can include eye sensitivity and pain, which I told you about in that other post. I’m seeing my neurologist for it in a few weeks to see if it was maybe migraines changing. But, it can also cause some reactive arthritis joint pain. I have arthritis in my hands (from so much computer work), knees and shoulders (from years of swimming) and those have been acting up much more recently at night, also making it difficult for me to get to sleep or stay asleep.

The other symptom is pain during intercourse. I’ve been meaning to write something about this but just haven’t had the nerve to write about sex yet, even though, we all know it’s how you make babies so it should be the topic of a blog like this and I shouldn’t be embarrassed, right? Anyways, the few times we have tried to have sex, it’s been really painful. It’s also really painful to just use a tampon when I have my period. Thankfully, my period is so much lighter now I really don’t have to double up on pads and tampons like I used to but still…not normal, right? I coughed it up to going through the D&E in the emergency room and it was just taking too long to heal. But now…I wonder…

I know I shouldn’t try to web-diagnose myself but it all kinda makes sense now to me. I’m not generally one to have vaginal infections. I’ve only had 1 or 2 yeast infections since I started my period when I was 12, so 2 in 3 months, really makes me think something else is up.

The scary thing, and probably more about why I’m crying, is that PID if left untreated can cause infertility. I already feel like my biological clock is a ticking time bomb. I don’t need another missile of health issues thrown my way. It’s almost like my body is telling me that you’re never going to get pregnant and you’re never going to be able to bear your own children. That’s what makes me so sad. The thought that my body is just fighting against me.

I left a message for my doctor this morning and talked to her assistant. They’re going to chat and get back to me today.

I just am so frustrated with my body. I feel like it’s just making me re-live April 26, 2016, over and over and over again. I was just crying…no sobbing. The kind that makes your chest feel so heavy and empty at the same time from the pain. The thought that things should be so much different, but instead, took this horrible other turn.

To be continued…



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