We were shopping a week or so ago and came across a display of baby Halloween costumes outside a store, already on clearance… the little Nemo’s, pumpkins, monkeys. All of them were so cute to bundle a newborn up in. I was so looking forward to dressing Emmett up this year.
I wasn’t even really all that sad seeing them. It was more this pang of disappointment in my chest, knowing that we’ll just be missing out on something this Halloween. It has me looking towards the larger holidays still to come – Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s – all with a bit of dread, instead of the usual excitement. We were walking around Home Depot this past weekend, looking at Christmas lights. Deep in my heart thinking that we have to continue through the holidays just without Emmett. It sucks. Plain and simple.
Yesterday, I was just a mess. Couldn’t find the will to get through my work to-do list, fighting a migraine. I left the house around lunchtime just to get together with Brett to see if he could cheer me up over a cup of coffee. I still have those days that are just harder than others. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just move on, forget sometimes that this has happened to us. But I can’t. I hate crying myself to sleep at night, silently whimpering and grasping for the dog in the dark since I can just feel him breathe next to me. Something real. I find myself laying my head on his chest just moving up and down with his breath. Sometimes that’s the only thing that can calm me down as I count his breaths, slowly and methodically and drift off into a not-so-peaceful sleep.
Grief and loss just sucks. You have to continue even after the heartbeat of your loved one has stopped. Some days you can muddle your way through but others it’s so hard with the longing and the wishful thinking clouding your brain.
Missed something from the past month? Here’s a quick round-up of some of the most-read blog posts:
Here are some links from across the web about miscarriage, loss and grief:
1. “The Bereavement Midwife: Is this the saddest job in England,” BBC News, posted October 23, 2016
2. “What it’s like to have a miscarriage in the social media age,” by Rebecca Swift and posted by Upworthy on October 14, 2016
3. “Support for Grieving Grandparents When a Baby Dies,” by Kelly Gerken and posted by Still Standing Magazine on October 21, 2016
4. “It’s Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month: How to Help Others,” by Dr. Monica N. Starkman and posted on Psychology Today on October 14, 2016
5. “A Perfect Way to Start” by Craig Aven, a music video that was created after his wife miscarried. Originally posted Jan. 28, 2016: